


Heist at the 81st Annual Villain's Ball

by Xanthos_Samurai



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Bottom Jason Todd, Exes, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Heist, Identity Swap, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Secret Identity, Undercover Missions, Waltzing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:48:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27769303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xanthos_Samurai/pseuds/Xanthos_Samurai
Summary: “Okay, let me get this straight. You are a superhero undercover at a gala for a bunch of criminally insane assholes who want to murder you for both fun and profit. And your plan is to pull off a heist to steal an incredibly dangerous weapon from them?”Bruce brought the champagne flute to his lips and sipped.“Yup, that’s the plan.”--Bruce is undercover at the 81st Annual Villain's Ball to steal a dangerous weapon before it's auctioned off to the highest bidder. His only allies? His date and ex-turned-nemesis Harvey "Two-Face" Dent and his son-turned-vigilante-turned-crime-lord Jason "Red Hood" Todd.Can the three of them pull a heist on the assembled criminals of Gotham? Maybe. If they don't kill each other first.
Relationships: Harvey Dent/Bruce Wayne, Roman Sionis/Jason Todd
Comments: 13
Kudos: 77





	Heist at the 81st Annual Villain's Ball

By his own estimation, Bruce Wayne had attended hundreds if not thousands of balls, galas, and capital-E Events over the course of his life. Charities, fundraisers, celebrations for which the only point was to give the wealthy elite a stage to financially fellatiate themselves in front of their peers - he had attended (and even thrown) all of them. By and large, they were all incredibly similar. There was food (usually overpriced and under-seasoned), there was champagne, there were speeches, there was schmoozing, and at least one drunk socialite would grope him by the end of the night.

This ball, however, was unlike any that Bruce Wayne had ever attended. There was the food, the champagne, the schmoozing - all the trappings of typical Gotham gala. A large banner had been strung across the ballroom and below the skylight that proclaimed “81st Annual Villain’s Ball”. And beneath that was assembled almost every single one of his rogues gallery in formal wear and masks.

That would have been disturbing enough all by itself, but Bruce Wayne was in attendance dressed in a white tuxedo and domino mask and hanging on the arm of one Harvey Dent, also known as the villain Two-Face. Bruce was used to _having_ arm-candy. _Being_ the arm candy was definitely a new experience, and one that he wasn’t sure he liked.

“I feel like I’m in the fucking Twilight Zone,” Bruce muttered. He stood on Harvey’s right side, the good side, so he knew that Harvey could hear him. The hearing on his other side wasn’t always the best due to the extensive damage that the acid had wrought on his left.

Harvey was dressed in his best bisected tuxedo, white with black pinstripes on the “good” side and inverted pinstriped black on the “bad” side. He still cut a trim figure despite everything, Bruce had to admit to himself. Then again, Harvey had always been the better dresser of the two of them. At least when they had dated.

“You’ve fallen down the rabbit hole, Alice.” Harvey murmured in response, his lips barely brushing the rim of his champagne flute. 

Bruce snorted. “Please don’t. Mad Hatter is literally right over there. If he hears you he’ll come over here and then we’ll have to talk to him.”

“You’re in no position to be making demands.” Harvey glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. “I decided to help you on a coin toss, Sugar. Don’t make me consider tossing the coin again.”

Bruce tightened his hand on Harvey’s bicep and leaned his chin on the villain’s shoulder. To anyone else he’d look like some vapid himbo that Harvey had brought as his date, which was exactly what Bruce was going for.

“You’re getting something out of this too, you recall. We made a deal.” 

“Oh sure.” Harvey grinned, looking ghastly in the stark lighting. “You promised me a cut and a get out of Arkham free card. How could I forget that?”

“I did not promise you a get out of Arkham free card.” Bruce growled into Harvey’s ear, chin still on his shoulder, but kept a smirk on his face so it looked like he was just whispering sweet nonsense to his date.

Harvey smirked in his most attorney-esque way and sipped his champagne. 

“Everything’s negotiable.” 

Bruce felt something tighten in his stomach at the sight of that smirk. It was painful sometimes, being with Harvey like this. Being around him when he was sane reminded Bruce of what it had been like before. Back when he had just been Harvey and not Two-Face. Brilliant, goofy, handsome, ambitious Harvey, who had been able to rattle off crime statistics while making perfect blueberry pancakes. Harvey, who had always encouraged Bruce to use his power and status for good, but who never asked Bruce for anything for himself. Harvey, who had known from the beginning that Bruce’s seeming obsession with dangerous rich douchebag hobbies couldn’t explain away all the bruises and the injuries he bore when he finally climbed into bed in the wee hours of the morning. 

Harvey had known he was Batman, and Bruce had known that he’d known. But both were stubborn men. Harvey was determined not to ask before Bruce confessed and Bruce was equally determined not to confess until Harvey asked. And so the weight of Batman dragged at them both until not even love was enough to keep them from splintering.

There’d been no big confrontation, no definitive moment of severance. Bruce sometimes wondered if it would have been easier if there had been. Instead it was a gradual fade. Over months and miles, he stopped making excuses for the nights he couldn’t spend with Harvey, then stopped apologizing altogether. Harvey stopped leaving messages on Bruce’s phone asking when he’d be free, and eventually stopped pretending to expect Bruce to keep any of his promises at all. And then one day, Bruce realized that Harvey’s spare clothes were no longer in his closet. Perhaps Harvey had called Alfred and asked the butler to gather them. Perhaps he had come to get them himself, and to take one last look around Bruce’s bedroom where they had once spent so much time laughing at each other.

The real, final severance had come months later, in a courtroom, when Harvey had been permanently disfigured into Two-Face. 

The memory of how much Bruce had loved him was so much more painful than trading blows on a rooftop in the moonlight. 

And yet, now Bruce was dangling off Harvey’s arm in the middle of a crowded room full of people who would love nothing more than to murder the shit out of him if he knew who he was. 

“Yes, fine, everything is negotiable but let’s not lose sight of why we’re here.” Bruce reached up reflexively to make sure that the white domino mask was still in place. He felt so much more exposed wearing this damn thing than his preferred cowl, especially since it just stuck onto his face. How the hell did the Robins do it?

“I’m here because this is the only time I get to feel like Harvey Dent, believe it or not. You’re here because you’ve always secretly wanted to come to this thing. It’s the only exclusive party in town that Bruce Wayne isn’t invited to.” Harvey took another sip of champagne.

Bruce scanned the room again.

“I’m not Bruce Wayne tonight. I’m Sugar, the vapid arm candy you picked up from somewhere. And I’m here to obtain some kryptonite before it gets auctioned off and ends up in the wrong hands.”

“Stealing from criminals is still stealing, you know. Two wrongs don’t make a right.” 

“Stop trying to lawyer me,” growled Bruce. He slid his arm around Harvey’s waist and pressed up against him so he could speak without being overheard by all the villains around them. “You don’t have any interest in kryptonite and you agreed to help.”

“I agreed to get you in. I never said I’d agree to help you get anything out. What do I care if someone ends up with a bunch of kryptonite? I’m not getting anything out of it,” replied Harvey smoothly. 

“You’re getting a cut. And a get out of Arkham free card.”

“Oh? Is that on the table? You seemed to imply it wasn’t.” Harvey’s voice dripped with faux affability.

“If you help me find the kryptonite and get it out, then yes.” 

“Well then. All you had to do was ask nicely, Sugar.”

He reached up and brushed back a lock of hair that had fallen from Bruce’s coiff. The gesture was so simple, so automatic and natural that Bruce was actually startled for a moment. Memories of other nights and other affectionate touches were too close to the surface.

He straightened and pushed away a little, his hand dropping from Harvey’s waist.

“I’m going to make a couple laps around the room. Mingle. See what I can find out. You do the same.”

Without waiting for an answer, Bruce headed into the crowd. 

True to his word he made a circuit around the room, introducing himself as Two-Face’s date to all the other villains and their arm candy. Almost all of them were talking about the auction that was to happen later that evening, but none of them mentioned anything about where the items were being kept. Bruce found himself wishing that he had recruited help or at least backup for this mission, but it had been too dangerous. There was no other villain in attendance he could have trusted to make a deal and hold it like Harvey. Plus, he didn’t want to subject any of his children to being trapped in a whole room full of villains if something went south.

He’d asked Selina, of course, but she’d laughed him off. She explained that she’d been “cordially” uninvited from the Villain Ball years ago because she’d worked with the heroes on too many occasions.

“That’s the official reason, anyways. Unofficially I think they’re mad because I’ve robbed almost every single one of them at one point or another.” She’d rolled her eyes and sniffed. “You’d think that would make me a VIP at a _villain_ ball, but no. They’re mad I stole their toys so they kicked me out of their little clubhouse. _Men_.”

“Want to help me rob them to get revenge?” He’d tried to cajole her.

“Nope, but I want to hear all about you trying it. I’m _sure_ you’ll be able to pull it off, what with all your extensive burglary experience.” She’d patted his cheek fondly and walked off, probably to go rob somebody else.

Bruce scanned the room again to see if he could see Harvey and if there were anyone else he needed to try to speak to. A figure lounging at a table on the opposite corner of the room caught his eye and he frowned, looking hard. 

_Of course he’s here. I should have expected this,_ he thought grimly as he made his way across the room.

The Red Hood, also known as Jason Todd, was sitting at an otherwise empty table, gazing out at the party with an air of extreme boredom. He wore a black three-piece suit paired with a red shirt because sometimes you just had to lean into your own theme. The jacket had already been thrown off, leaving him in just his shirtsleeves and waistcoat. He’d opted for the “muzzle” style red mask for the occasion so his forehead and hair were exposed. 

He was so fucking bored. He hated this shit. He’d hated it as the adorably precocious ward of billionaire Bruce Wayne, he’d hated it as an awkward teenager forced to learn “social graces”, and now he hated it as a grown-ass man having to play nice with a room full of psychotic assholes he’d rather shoot than schmooze.

_Maybe I can spike the drinks like that one charity gala Bruce made me go to. I bet someone’s got some fear toxin or sex pollen or some shit in their pockets I can steal. Bruce can’t even get mad at me about it this time because they’re all bad guys._

“Hello Jason.”

Jason jumped about a foot out of his chair and only barely managed to stifle a yelp of shock. He whipped around, heart pounding, and found himself face to face with none other than Bruce Wayne himself. It was Bruce Wayne in a white tuxedo and a domino mask clearly trying to be in disguise, but it was definitely Bruce Wayne.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Jason hissed, annoyed that he’d lost his composure. Fortunately, none of the villains were looking their way.

Bruce sat down in the chair beside him. “I was about to ask you the same thing. This isn’t exactly a sock hop.”

“...Did you just say sock hop?” Jason stared at him, brows raised above his mask.

“Don’t change the subject.” Bruce snapped because, honestly, he was a little embarrassed that he had said sock hop. “Why are you here?”

“I’m a bad guy. Duh.” Jason gestured at himself, then around at the crowd. “Look around. All bad guys. Or sock hoppers, as you might call them.”

Bruce stoically ignored that last comment.

“You told me that you were an anti-hero taking down the bad guys from the inside. This isn’t an anti-hero ball,” he said.

Jason’s eyes were concealed but Bruce could _feel_ them rolling.

“Yeah, I tell you that so that you don’t yell at me more than you already do. But the truth is that I’m here as Black Mask’s date.” Jason gestured towards the crowd. Black Mask was animatedly relating some story to a nonplussed Mr. Freeze. Just from his gestures, it looked like it involved a lot of strangling.

Bruce couldn’t help it - his eyebrows shot up.

“Don’t look at me like that,” snapped Jason. “He’s got a weird crush on me and I think he’s trying to make Deathstroke jealous or something. I’m just here to watch the drama go down and to get some ideas for who to target next. As, you know, an anti-hero who takes down bad guys from the inside.”

“Black Mask is trying to make Deathstroke jealous?” Bruce repeated.

“Oh, you would not believe the amount of petty relationship drama bullshit that goes on in the Gotham villain scene. It’s like high school, but with facial deformities and explosives.”

“That’s unbelievably horrifying.”

“Tell me about it.”

Speaking of facial deformities… Bruce stood and looked around the room again for Harvey. He found him in a far corner of the ballroom, engaged in what looked like a very serious conversation with the Penguin. Harvey looked up and his bad eye met Bruce’s gaze from across the crowd. They held for a moment, then Harvey’s eye rolled back to the Penguin.

“You’re here with Two-Face?” Jason was standing at Bruce’s shoulder, following his gaze.

“Yeah. We used to date, before…” Bruce trailed off, though he wasn’t sure why. The story wasn’t exactly a secret. He watched Jason’s masked face in his peripheral vision.

“Yeah, I know. Dick explained it to me back in the day. He called him Uncle Harvey.” 

“I should have guessed Dick would tell you about that. He and Harvey were close before Two-Face happened.”

“Two-Face helped me out of a tight spot once.”

Bruce actually turned to look at Jason. “He did?”

“Yeah, it was a villain team-up thing, you know how it is. I wanna say it was him, Killer Croc and Riddler all meeting up in a warehouse to discuss some shady business deal. I hadn’t been on the job very long and it was one of my first nights on solo patrol.” Jason paused and fiddled with his cufflinks. “Anyways, I’m creeping up above them on some catwalks and I trip or something. In any case, something falls and makes a lot of noise when it hits the floor. They all flip out and start shining lights up there to try to find whatever made the noise, aka me. I get down off the catwalks as fast as I can and I’m hiding behind some crates or something, trying to be as quiet as possible so they don’t catch me. And all the sudden I realize that Two-Face is looking at me. I mean, looking _right_ at me. I am sweating, ready to bolt or fight my way out. And he fuckin’ winks at me. I feel like I’m going crazy but he _winks_ at me and moves so that he’s sort of… blocking me from where the others could see. And he points in the other direction and says that he heard something from over there, and the others run off. Two-Face waits a moment, then sort of makes a “get out of here” shooing gesture at me. And as I get up to get my ass out of there, he mutters ‘That was for Dick’. And then he walks off like nothing ever happened.”

Bruce listened carefully as Jason related the story. He could picture it all so clearly, right down to the corner of Harvey’s mouth quirking mischievously as he winked. He’d always done that when he was about to do something a little prickish. That wink had been his way of telling Bruce he was still a good guy.

“Yeah,” he answered quietly. “That sounds like Harvey. Why didn’t you tell me about this at the time?”

“Honestly, I was worried you’d yell at me for messing up. Like I said, I hadn’t been on the job very long.”

Bruce glanced over at him. For a moment, he saw the scrappy, reckless kid that Jason had always been. Scrappy and reckless, yes, but also brave and gifted, and desperate for Bruce’s approval. Jason had been his partner, once. He’d been his son once, too. For Bruce, it felt like yesterday, but also a lifetime ago.The bond between them had faded and severed over the years, just like Bruce’s bond with Harvey. But both of those bonds had been reforged into something both similar and wildly different from before. They were a study in contrasts, all of them. Alive and dead. Good and bad. Love and hate. 

“I need your help,” he said abruptly.

Jason was immediately on his guard. “ _My_ help? With what?” 

“I’m here because they’re auctioning off kryptonite. I want to steal it before it falls into the wrong hands.”

Jason actually turned to face him. 

“You want to steal it,” he repeated. “Like a heist.”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you just come as Bruce Wayne and bid on it?” 

“One, because Bruce Wayne isn’t a bad guy. Two, because then I’d be directly funding criminal activity and that would be somewhat counterproductive to my other endeavours.”

Jason folded his arms across his chest. “Okay, let me get this straight. You are a superhero undercover at a gala for a bunch of criminally insane assholes who want to murder you for both fun and profit. And your plan is to pull off a heist to steal an incredibly dangerous weaponized rock from them?”

Bruce brought the champagne flute to his lips and sipped.

“Yup, that’s the plan.”

Jason actually clapped one hand on Bruce’s shoulder and held the other over his heart.

“You always were at your best when you were being kind of insane. I have never been more proud of you than I am at this moment.”

Bruce could not help but smirk. 

“So I take it that’s a yes, you’ll help me?”

“Oh fuck yes. This’ll be even more fun than spiking the champagne with sex pollen.” Jason raised his hands as Bruce looked at his half-full flute of champagne, then at him. “I didn’t actually _do_ it. I was just _thinking_ about it.”

Bruce put the flute down on the table regardless. “Jesus. You always were more trouble than you were worth at social events.” 

“Yeah, remember when I ‘accidentally’ roofied the entire board of directors because you made me go to that stupid party instead of going to the Knights game? Good times.”

“I _had_ forgotten. But now that you’ve reminded me, I am going to follow through with the threat I made at the time and write you out of the will.” Bruce glanced around the room again. He’d lost track of Harvey over the course of the conversation - no wait, he was walking towards them now. 

Jason tilted his head. “I was still in the will? Fuckin’ A.” 

“Did you make a new friend, Sugar?” Harvey walked up, his gaze flicking between them.

“Harvey, this is the Red Hood.” Bruce lowered his voice and spoke meaningfully. “Also known as Jason. He and I have worked together before.”

“Pleasure.” Jason held out his hand. 

Harvey scrutinized Jason for a long moment, then a flicker of recognition passed over his good side.

“I see. I believe you and I worked together once too. A pleasure indeed.” He shook hands with Jason and looked at Bruce. “You didn’t say you had backup here.”

“This wasn’t planned. I had no idea Red Hood would be here tonight, so it’s just a coincidence,” said Bruce.

Jason crossed his arms across his chest. “You always said you didn’t believe in coincidences.”

“Fine, call it divine providence.” Bruce said impatiently.

Jason drew himself up as if preparing for a fight. “Um _no_ . _You_ don’t get to say that after all the theological debates we’ve-” 

“Okay, I officially retract any and all previous statements I’ve made about coincidences.” Bruce quickly cut him off before he could get into a full-blown rant.

Harvey looked at Jason with approval. “Oh I like this one.”

Bruce reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose but was foiled by the domino mask. He was really starting to hate this fucking thing. 

“Now both of you focus - we need a plan.” He paused and waited for Harvey or Jason to interject, but they were both watching him. And silent. Finally. 

“We need to find out where they’re keeping the kryptonite. I imagine security is going to be tight, so I need time to see it and figure out how to get around it before the auction begins. Do either of you know anything useful?”

“The way this usually works is that you can only be _invited_ to put things up for auction. It’s sort of a status symbol, since invitations are only issued to high-rollers and elite villains. So all the auctioned items are very rare and valuable because they’re all trying to impress each other,” explained Harvey.

Jason rolled his eyes behind his mask again. “Yeah, everyone’s basically trying to give the impression of ‘Oh I have so many cataclysmic super weapons and/or cursed magical artifacts and/or engineered henchmen lying around at home that I donated this one to the auction because I won’t miss it.’” 

Bruce closed his eyes for a moment and allowed himself a long inhale through his nose.

“Oh my God, it really is just like every other fucking gala in this city. Just with unspeakably dangerous weapons instead of jewelry or cars or whatever.”

“I told you, it’s just like high school but with more explosions and facial-” Jason cut himself off, glancing at Harvey. “...With more freaks,” he finished lamely.

Harvey just chuckled. “You’re not wrong.”

“Okay, that’s great to know. What else can you tell me? Do all these items get stored together or what?”

“Oh hell no. Are you kidding me?” Jason scoffed. “None of these fucking people trust each other not to steal their shit before it goes up for auction. Everyone’s in charge of security for their own thing until it’s time to bring it up to the stage.” Jason gestured at the stage to one end of the ballroom. Currently it was occupied by a small orchestra. 

Bruce’s mood was souring by the minute. This operation was always going to be difficult, but it was looking more and more likely that this was going to turn into a scenario where getting caught and having to fight his way out was a real possibility. If that happened, he hoped that he could count on Jason at least to help him get out alive. He knew it was pointless to hope the same of Harvey - it would literally depend on a coin toss.

“Is there a list of items? Or any other way of knowing who donated what to be auctioned?” Bruce stopped suddenly as a thought occurred to him. He narrowed his eyes at both his son and his ex. “Did either of _you_ donate anything?”

Jason held his hands palm up and shook his head. “Nah, I didn’t get asked. Anyone who seems likely to bring a bag of severed heads is pretty much automatically disqualified.”

Bruce just barely managed to refrain from comment. Instead he fixed his gaze on Harvey.

Harvey shrugged. “They asked me, but I declined. Flipped a coin on it. Came up tails.” 

_Well thank God I don’t have to worry about that_ , thought Bruce. Out loud, he repeated his previous question about a listing of items and donors.

“There’s a list but you don’t need it. I can tell you right now that Black Mask donated the kryptonite. I know exactly where it is too,” said Jason.

Bruce gave his second son a dead-eyed stare.

“I don’t suppose it occurred to you to mention this earlier?” He gritted out. “Perhaps when I asked if you knew anything useful?”

“I’m telling you now. We were explaining how it worked first.”

“How do you know Black Mask is donating the kryptonite?” Asked Bruce. 

“I told you, he’s got a weird crush on me. He thought that I’d be impressed by him donating something as rare and fancy as kryptonite. So he showed it to me. And, bonus, I know where he has it too.”

Bruce’s eyes sharpened behind his domino mask. “Have you seen it?”

‘Yeah, I saw it. It’s a really small piece, set in a ring. But I remember thinking it was weird because it wasn’t green, it was yellow. Or gold, I guess.”

Bruce’s stomach dropped. Green kryptonite would have been bad enough, but gold was much worse. It could be used to remove a Kryptonian’s powers _permanently_. He stepped forward and grabbed Jason by the shoulders.

“Are you _sure_ it was gold? And it was real, not some kind of fake dressed up as kryptonite? This is important, Hood.”

Jason shoved Bruce’s hands from his shoulders and stood back to glare at him with his hands on his hips, an aggressive stance that Bruce was well acquainted with.

“I know that you don’t think that you can fucking trust me, but you should seriously try to fucking trust me. Just once,” he snarled.

Bruce fell silent, jaw clenched. He could feel Jason and Harvey watching him, waiting for his response. _You’re in a room full of enemies, Batman,_ he reminded himself. _Don’t alienate the only two people here who might actually bail your ass out if this goes bad. This is their scene, not yours._

He took a deep breath and forced himself to relax. “Okay. I trust that you saw a gold stone. But I’m asking if there’s any way that it could be fake. If it’s real gold kryptonite, then this just got a lot more serious. I’m _hoping_ it’s fake.”

But Jason was already shaking his head. “No. Black Mask is a lot of things, but he’s not an idiot. He cares about his reputation too much to produce a fake item at this event. But I think we can get it from him, if we’re really, really good.”

Bruce leaned back against the table, pressing his palms down against the white cloth.

“Tell me what you’re thinking and we’ll come up with a plan.”

Jason eyed him for another long moment, as if he didn’t quite trust Bruce to actually let him get a word in edgewise. When Bruce stayed silent, he nodded once.

“Mask has the kryptonite in a box in his suit jacket. I can get it away from him, but he’s going to notice pretty quickly that it’s gone. So we’re not going to have long to get it and you out of here after. And I mean a matter of minutes.”

“What about a distraction? Would causing a big scene distract him enough to give Sugar a chance to get out?” Harvey finally joined the conversation.

“Why is he calling you Sugar? Holy shit, is that your alias? Are you named Sugar?” Jason sounded entirely too delighted by this concept.

“It was either that or Spice. I thought Sugar was the less stupid option,” Bruce muttered, tossing a baleful glare at Harvey. He declined to mention that Sugar had been Harvey’s pet name for him even when they’d originally dated. 

Harvey, however, just grinned. 

“Sugar. Love it. You’re never living that down. In any case, yeah I think if we made a big enough distraction it would give us enough time to get away before he realizes what happened. If we can make a really big mess, he might not even realize who got the damn thing from him to begin with. That would be ideal.”

“This is all assuming that we get the damn thing from him to begin with. You know him best, what do you recommend?”

Jason flexed his fingers and cracked his knuckles. “I recommend you leave that to me. I’ve got an idea of how to get it from him and get it to you. After that you’re going to have to make one hell of a quick exit. Distraction or not.”

“I can take care of the distraction.” Harvey said. He was looking out at the crowd with a thoughtful expression on (half of) his face. The other two men tried to follow his gaze but couldn’t figure out what he was looking at.

“Harvey, are you-”

Harvey held up a hand to cut Bruce off. “If you ask me if I’m sure, I’ll have to flip the coin to find out. You don’t want me to do that.”

No, Bruce very emphatically did not want him to do that. He closed his mouth and looked hard at his ex-turned-nemesis for a long moment. 

“If we mess this up at any point, we can all end up dead.” Bruce’s voice was serious as he addressed them both. “So let’s not mess up.”

“Great pep talk, _Sugar_ ,” Jason muttered.

“ _You_ could end up dead. If you get caught, I’m feigning ignorance and joining the inevitable mob calling for your blood,” remarked Harvey.

“Wow, you _both_ suck.” Jason crossed his arms over his chest again.

A creeping feeling of dread was beginning to gnaw at the back of Bruce’s mind. He did his best to ignore it as he addressed Jason,

“Harvey’s taking care of the distraction but you still have to get the kryptonite from Black Mask before anything else happens. You said you had something - what’s your idea?”

Jason’s slow grin was obvious even behind his muzzle.

“Oh yeah, you’re gonna love it. I’ve got a great idea.”

* * *

“This is a fucking ludicrous idea.”

Bruce Wayne was no stranger to the waltz. He had grown up in the upper echelons of Gotham society - of course he could waltz. He wasn’t even a stranger to waltzing with another man. That wasn’t what made him uncomfortable about the current situation. Being pressed up against his second eldest son as he was led in a waltz in a room full of his enemies was definitely what was making him uncomfortable with the current situation.

“No, it’s a fucking great idea,” purred Jason. “Black Mask is super jealous. He won’t be able to stand seeing us like this. He’s gonna come over here and scream at us any minute now.”

Bruce clenched his teeth.

Jason squeezed Bruce’s hand harder. “Stop trying to lead. And stop looking like you’re mad. You’re a prettyboy villain fucker named Sugar who wants to get in my pants. Smile.”

“You’re enjoying this too much.”

“No, I’m enjoying this exactly the right amount.” Jason dipped him, forcing Bruce to hold onto him tighter so as not to lose his balance. 

“How much do you regret forcing me to go to all those bullshit cotillion things to learn dancing and etiquette?” Jason’s smirk was _audible_ beneath the muzzle.

“I’m regretting a lot of things right now.”

“You’re about to regret one more.” A voice full of gravel snarled at them.

The unexpected voice was accompanied by a gloved hand closing around Bruce’s wrist like a vice, effectively jerking their waltz to a halt. Black Mask, dressed in a white suit with black pinstripes and his fanciest skull-faced mask, managed to loom over both Jason and Bruce despite not being any taller than either of them. He seemed to be unable to decide which one of them he was glaring at because his eyes kept jumping between them. 

“Oh hi there, Daddy.” Jason purred to Black Mask. 

Bruce blanched inwardly and only barely managed to resist the urge to stare at Jason in horror. No amount of money or therapy would ever make _that_ memory go away.

“Who the fuck is this, Hood? Don’t you know it’s rude not to dance with the one that brung ya?” Black Mask grated at Jason. 

Red Hood shrugged. “Well you can’t expect me to just sit around and look pretty all night if you’re not going to pay any attention to me. So when Sugar here asked me to dance, I said yes.” 

_Note to self: Have a serious conversation with Jason about the consequences of dating villains after this. Assuming we all get out of here alive._ Bruce watched Jason bat his eyelashes at Black Mask. His stomach suddenly felt queasy. _On second thought, get Dick to have a serious conversation with Jason about it._

“And who the fuck is Sugar?” Black Mask turned his full attention to Bruce now.

The waltz had ground to a halt and other villains and their dates and entourages were now starting to turn and stare at the commotion. This was all according to plan, of course, but it was still nerve-wracking. 

“I’m very sorry Mr…. Mask?” Bruce affected the southern drawl he’d adopted for his Sugar persona and tried to sound both genteel and rather stupid. “I didn’t mean any disrespect but my date was busy and I saw a cute boy and, well… I just couldn’t help myself.” He grinned sheepishly.

“You see? He told me I was cute and I couldn’t resist.” Jason patted Bruce’s cheek affectionately, as though he were a child who had said something unexpectedly clever.

“I don’t care if he tells you you’re the second coming of Christ! You are _my_ date and I don’t want you dancing with anyone else!” Black Mask’s voice rose. He let go of Bruce’s wrist and instead seized Jason by his waistcoat. He yanked him close and wrapped a possessive arm around him.

Personally, Bruce thought that Jason snuggling up against Black Mask was unnecessary and egregious but he couldn’t exactly say anything. Instead he put his hands up to show he was surrendering.

“No offense meant, Mr. Mask. He just didn’t say he belonged to anyone, so…”

“Well he does! And who the fuck do _you_ belong to?” Black Mask glared at Bruce. “Sugar? Do we have some candy-themed fuck around here plotting to give the children of Gotham cavities or some shit?”

Several of the villains and plus-ones around them snickered.

“Sugar belongs to me.”

The crowd parted and Harvey stepped forward. The confidence in the set of his shoulders and the little smile on half his face made Bruce’s stomach give a painful twist. He’d almost forgotten how at home Harvey was in front of a crowd, in front of an audience. Especially a hostile one. He had never been more sure of himself than when he was in a courtroom full of people who hated him. That had been his element.

And now _this_ was his element, Bruce realized. In a room full of scum and villains, Harvey was respected. The others were looking between him and Black Mask, wondering if a fight was going to break out. Even Black Mask looked a little startled - he clearly hadn’t been expecting another A-list villain to step up.

Bruce walked to Harvey’s side (the good side) and took his arm.

“I’m sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to make trouble for you…” He murmured.

“Oh that’s okay, Sugar. Roman was just being a little insecure.” Harvey wrapped his arm around Bruce’s waist instead and patted his ass, all without taking his eyes off Black Mask.

The gangster drew himself up, posture tense as though he were preparing to fight. But Jason placed his muzzled mouth right beside Black Mask’s ear and spoke quietly. Bruce couldn’t hear what he was saying, but it was enough to keep Black Mask’s attention. The eyes in the skull face glanced from Bruce to Harvey and then to Jason. Finally he chuckled deep in his chest and petted Jason’s hair.

“You two enjoy the party.” He spoke over his shoulder to Bruce and Harvey as Jason pulled him back out onto the dance floor. The orchestra started up again and the other waltzing couples began to resume their dancing. 

The crowd dispersed, muttering among themselves. Privately, Bruce wondered if they were relieved or disappointed that a fight hadn’t actually broken out. Knowing who was here, they were almost certainly disappointed. Bruce still held onto Harvey’s arm, but now he watched Red Hood and Black Mask waltz. Their bodies were pressed close and Jason’s hand was rubbing Black Mask’s chest. 

Bruce looked away. It was too much to watch.

“Dance with me,” said Harvey. 

Bruce frowned, startled by the command. “What?” 

“Dance with me.” 

Harvey was already pulling him towards the dance floor. They fell into the waltz position easily, like it was a natural state. Harvey had always been a fantastic dancer, but not even that could distract Bruce from the sight of Jason out of the corner of his eye. Everything rode on him getting that ring from Black Mask.

“He’s doing what he said he’d do.” Harvey murmured, his breath warm on Bruce’s cheek. “He’s doing what you wanted. He’s a good soldier. You trained him well.” 

A good soldier. Is that what Jason was? Is that he thought Jason was? What did _Jason_ think he was? He chewed on the inside of his cheek and watched Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn tango across the dance floor despite the orchestra playing a waltz. 

“It could be worse. It could be Killer Croc trying to put his tongue down your kid’s throat instead,” Harvey remarked.

Bruce shuddered. “ _Jesus_ , Harvey.”

“Could be me. That would be even worse.”

“Now I know you’re fucking with me. You wouldn’t be interested in Jason.”

“Wouldn’t I?” Harvey’s arm tightened around him ever so slightly. “He reminds me a lot of you. The way you used to be.”

Bruce smiled a grim smile and allowed Harvey to twirl him.

“Yeah, well, none of us are the way we used to be. But I’m not sure whether to take that as a compliment or not.” He paused as Harvey pulled him back into his arms. “For the record, I’m sorry about how things ended. I'm sorry about how we ended.”

“Don’t start. There’s no point.”

The waltz ended and they spun to a halt. Everyone applauded. Bruce turned just in time to nearly be shoved out of the way by Black Mask as he practically dragged Jason off the dance floor.

“Slow down, Daddy, you’ve got me all night.” Jason was laughing. His shoulder hit Bruce’s and he gave him a saucy nod with a raised eyebrow. “Sorry, Sugar. Maybe next time.” And then Black Mask pulled him away.

After they were gone, Bruce reached into his jacket pocket. Sure enough, there was a small, velvet-covered box there. Bruce flicked it open just enough to slip a finger inside. Yes, there was the ring.

“Are we good?” Harvey was leading him away from the dance floor. 

“Yeah, we're good. He did it.” Bruce watched Black Mask lead Red Hood through the crowd and made a face. “And now he’s getting dragged off to God-knows-where…”

“He’s getting dragged off to a back room to be fucked by Black Mask before the auction starts, according to plan. Which is exactly what we’re pretending to do until we rendezvous. Shut up and stop thinking about it.”

Harvey led him to a side door leading off the ballroom that led to a series of small private rooms that were usually dressing rooms for speakers or performers. They could be reserved by the villains at the ball, especially ones who wanted to have a private space to talk business. Or just somewhere private to take their dates. 

“I’m going to go check on our distraction,” said Harvey. “Jason should know where to find you but I’ll be back soon.”

“Go. I’ll be fine.”

Twenty minutes later, there was a knock on the door of the room. Bruce opened the door and Jason slipped inside. His hair was disheveled and his waistcoat and tie were askew, but he was grinning beneath his muzzle.

“Well, that was fun. Ready for phase two?”

“Ready if you are.” Bruce looked Jason up and down, unable to resist the fatherly urge to make sure his kid was unharmed. “You’re okay?”

“Oh yeah, I’m fine. Where’s Harves?” Jason looked around the room. He and Bruce were alone.

“Making sure our distraction is going to be good to go.” Bruce ripped the domino mask off his face, delighted to finally have a reason to take the damn thing off. He began to strip out of his tuxedo. “We need to hurry.”

Jason unstrapped the muzzle from his face and set it down on the table beside Bruce’s discarded domino mask. He also began to strip out of his clothes. Bruce noticed with no small degree of consternation that there was a fresh bite mark on Jason’s shoulder, but he didn’t say anything about it. At least it was somewhere covered. Duplicating the bite on himself would have been tremendously awkward.

“Lucky that you and me are more or less the same size.” Jason grabbed Bruce’s white shirt and handed him his red one in exchange. “Now aren’t you glad you’re doing this with me and not Dick?”

“If I was doing this with Dick, he’d probably be in a dress and we’d have bigger problems.” 

Bruce pulled on the red shirt and black waistcoat as Jason did the same with the white tuxedo. They traded shoes last. Suddenly, they were two men who were similar but not identical to the men who had been in the room a few minutes prior. Black hair, blue eyes, muscular builds… never before had Bruce realized just how much he and Jason really did resemble each other.

Bruce eyed Jason’s messy hair and then turned to the mirror in the room to muss his. Meanwhile, Jason tried to slick his own hair back. 

“Thank you. For helping.” Bruce kept his eyes on their reflections in the mirror. He didn’t dare to look directly at Jason. “You didn’t have to get involved in this and I know that. I hope you know how much I appreciate it.”

“Oh, you’ll owe me a big favor. There’s worse things.” Jason grabbed the white domino mask and fastened it on. He turned to Bruce. “How do I look? Do I look enough like a Sugar to pass?”

Bruce looked him up and down. Jason had a heavier build than he did, but the height and the coloring were close enough that nobody who wasn’t really looking would be able to tell. He felt a thrill of pride watching his son slip into character just like Bruce had always trained him to do. Dick had been the natural actor, but Jason had always worked harder at it. The hard work had clearly paid off. 

“You look good. Just don’t forget to do the accent.” 

He reached for Jason’s muzzle and strapped it on. It was more comfortable than the domino mask, but it was the inverse of his own cowl, covering his face where the cowl exposed it and exposing the parts that the cowl covered. Just one more way for this mission to feel like the inverse of everything he was used to. 

“How about me?” He affected the purr that Jason so often used as Red Hood. “How do I look?”

Jason-as-Sugar grinned. “You look good. You look real good.” He drawled in the southern accent. “I think we might actually pull this off.”

Bruce-as-Red Hood smirked. “I think you might be right. You got the ring?”

Jason pulled the box out of Bruce’s tuxedo pocket and handed it to him. Bruce tucked it securely inside Red Hood’s waistcoat.

Both of them twitched as the doorknob turned.

“Bruce?” Harvey stepped inside.

“Yes?” Both Jason and Bruce turned to him, answering in unison.

Harvey stopped short and blinked.

“That is fucking disconcerting. Explain to me again why you two had to switch identities?”

“Because Black Mask just ripped all Red Hood’s clothes off and saw him naked. He _knows_ Hood don’t have the ring.” said Jason-as-Sugar. “But he’s going to be pissed off and accusing everyone else, which means that Bruce-as-Red Hood can walk out with the damn thing without being searched. Mask is arrogant and paranoid, which means he only trusts his own eyes. The idea that he might have missed something on Red Hood won’t occur to him until it’s way too late.”

“That’s the idea,” agreed Bruce-as-Red Hood. “And we’re counting on your distraction to be… distracting enough that he won’t even think about it in the confusion.”

Harvey looked between them both. “Well. There’s certainly going to be a lot of confusion, I can promise you that. The auction is about to start. We’re all going to be missed if we’re not there.” He looked at Bruce. “You’d better go first and make sure he sees you.”

“Right.” 

Bruce made sure his hair was still messy and clothes were still askew. The advantage of looking like he’d just been ravished by a supervillain in a back room was that it was less obvious that the clothes no longer fit perfectly. He paused for a moment, debating if he wanted to say something to the two of them before they risked their lives again in a room full of enemies. But everything that came to his mind felt… inadequate. Harvey was more well-spoken than he’d ever be and Jason had never been one for speeches anyways, Bruce remembered. He finally just nodded and stepped out of the room.

The dancing had stopped and the crowd had begun to gather by the stage in anticipation of the auction. Bruce-as-Red Hood moved through the crowd, summoning the languid, dangerous strut that he’d noted so often when Jason was at his most confident.

A man on the stage was calling for all donors to please bring their items for the stage so that the auction could begin. Bruce suddenly heard a sharp voice above the sound of conversation and the clink of champagne glasses.

“I had it right here earlier and now it’s fucking gone!” Black Mask was snarling at his entourage. He was frantically pawing at his jacket and his own pockets, then stopped and glowered at his henchmen. “Someone took it! Find it! Search everyone! I don’t give a shit who they are - nobody robs _me_.”

The crowd edged away from the furious mob boss and his henchmen, so it was easy for Bruce to step forward and approach him. He sidled up to Black Mask and stood close to him.

“What happened, Daddy?” 

Honestly, Bruce was glad that his mouth was covered so that nobody could see the way he grimaced when he said it. Maybe Jason was onto something with this face covering idea.

“What the fuck do you think?!” Black Mask hissed. “The fucking ring is gone and whoever took it is going to pay for trying to make me look like an asshole.” He paused suddenly and narrowed his eyes at Red Hood. “What do you know about this?”

Bruce-as-Red Hood drew back and shrugged.

“I don’t know anything about it. You just saw me naked. Where else could I have it? Up my ass?”

“Don’t just stand there and give me lip, you little shit. Help me find it!” Black Mask shoved at him. 

Bruce-as-Red Hood folded his arms across his chest and glared.

“Find it yourself. Not my problem.”

Black Mask’s anger was nearly palpable as he stalked over to Red Hood. He seized him by the muzzle and pulled him close.

“You are _mine_. So your problem is whatever I say your problem is. You got that?”

Bruce shoved him back. It felt _great_ to punch a bad guy after hours of being stuck in a room with them, he realized. 

“You may own Gotham, but you don’t own me. I’m out of here.” Bruce spoke in Jason’s most insolent tone, infusing all the disdain and arrogance he could possibly manage. Just to add fuel to the fire, he flipped Black Mask the finger and started to stalk away.

“Yeah, Red! You tell ‘im!” A shrill voice yelled at him. 

Bruce glanced over and saw Harley Quinn nearby with Poison Ivy. Harley saluted him, an impressive feat considering that she was holding no fewer than seven champagne flutes in her two hands. 

“Fuck that guy! Fuck all the villains who think they own us!” Harley yelled again. She gestured at Bruce-as-Red Hood wildly, flinging champagne on several other people. “Catwoman was right, you know! It’s all one big fuckin’ boy’s club! Fuck ‘em! You walk away, Red, and don’t let that Dollar Store Grim Reaper scumbag make you feel bad! Red ‘n’ I are here for ya, Red! Wait.” She stopped and looked between Red Hood and Poison Ivy, then broke into giggles. “There’s too many Reds…”

“You keep your fucking mouth shut and mind your business, you little bitch!” Black Mask screamed at Harley. “You’re only here because of the Joker and to cause fucking trouble!”

Harley gasped and Ivy looked suddenly murderous.

The sudden realization that he was standing in the middle of what was about to be ground zero of a huge villain fight washed over Bruce. He started edging away as quickly as he could without calling attention to himself. He looked desperately for Jason and Harvey as he did so. It was about to be dangerous for _all_ of them. All around him, the crowd was starting to grow restless and angry. So many unstable personalities, fueled by alcohol (and God only knew what else) and smelling blood in the water? This was turning from twilight zone episode into an actual fucking nightmare.

“Oh fuck _you_ !” Harley screamed back at Black Mask. She began to hurl her champagne flutes at him. “Fuck you and your stupid auction! I think it’s _hilarious_ that someone stole your…. Your… whatever your auction thingie was gonna be! If I knew who it was I’d kiss ‘em right on the mouth!”

“I bet it was you, you psychopath! Go search her! Search her right now!”

Harvey and Jason appeared suddenly in front of Bruce. 

“You need to go. You need to go right now.” Harvey’s voice was full of urgency, unusual for him.

Jason nodded. “Get out of here. We’ll be fine.”

“I am not going to leave you two in here to get torn apart by this crowd,” Bruce growled at them. “Come with me.”

“It’s going to look too suspicious,” insisted Jason. “This is the plan, B. Just go.”

“Being torn apart isn’t what you need to worry about,” muttered Harvey. “What you need to worry about is-”

“Don’t you _touch_ her, you imbecilic mammal!” 

This time it was Poison Ivy’s voice that rang above the increasing clamor of the crowd. Bruce, Jason and Harvey all turned in unison to look back.

A cloud of spores had gathered around Poison Ivy and was now spreading through the crowd. There were shrieks and shouts as people tried to run away from it, but there were too many people trying to do the same thing at once. Henchmen, dates, villains and staff all crashed into each other and the furniture in their bid to get away, but the cloud was too fast. Everyone who inhaled it stopped in their tracks, their eyes going wide. They swayed for a moment, looking around at the people around them with a very _carnal_ hunger in their eyes.

“Oh my fucking god,” whispered Jason. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from the sight of the chaos as the villains and everyone else began to grab the nearest person and furiously make out with them. “It’s sex pollen. I can’t believe it’s actually sex pollen. _Fuck. Yes._ ”

“We are _leaving_.” 

Bruce dragged both Jason and Harvey to a nearby door marked EXIT. He kicked it open and shoved both men in through the open door, then slammed it behind them. They were now standing in an empty service stairwell. 

“We have to get out of here.” It was impossible to keep the panic out of his voice and Bruce didn’t even try. He had been on the receiving end of Ivy’s sex pollen enough times to know that the literal last place on the planet that he wanted to be hit with it was surrounded by all his worst enemies. “You both need to leave right now and get as far away from this as you can.”

“Absolutely fucking not! I have to stay and see how this turns out!” Jason shouted back at him. He pointed at the door to the ballroom. “Black Mask and Deathstroke are literally _making out_ behind that door and you want me to just _walk away_? You’re out of your fucking mind!”

Bruce dragged a hand down his face, but he’d forgotten he was wearing the muzzle and the feel of it startled him. 

“We need to at least get away from here before it gets under the door,” he snapped. “I don’t exactly want to be trapped in a stairwell with the two of you when it hits us.”

“The roof!” Jason pointed to the stairs. “I bet this leads all the way up to the roof and we can watch through the skylight. You can’t leave until you’re sure that no innocent person is gonna walk in there and get pollen’d anyways.”

Bruce gritted his teeth, but Jason had a point. He could put a call into the police, tell them the situation and then, with any luck, they would be able to go in and arrest almost his entire rogue’s gallery while they were still tripping balls and making out after the pollen cleared.

He turned to Harvey, but Harvey had collapsed on the stairs and was laughing so hard that Bruce was worried he might hurt himself.

“I am glad you find this so amusing,” he snapped. “But we need to get out of here. And what is so fucking funny?”

“I’ll tell you… Later…” Harvey gasped and pushed himself up. “Okay, yes. Let’s go.”

Several minutes later, the three men were up on the roof peering down through the skylight at the scene of carnal carnage below them. True to Jason’s word Black Mask and Deathstroke really _were_ making out. The Penguin seemed to be having no luck propositioning anyone, even under the influence of sex pollen. 

In the middle of it all, Harley was gazing rapturously out at the chaos like it was a litter of puppies that she had just been gifted. Ivy mostly seemed content to watch her handiwork and occasionally nuzzle Harley. 

Jason was crouched at the edge of the skylight, watching with unabashed glee. 

“The beauty of this is that they’re not gonna hardly remember any of this. And if they do, every single one of those assholes is going to be so embarrassed about it and deny it _so much_ that this will literally never get talked about ever again. It’s practically the perfect crime,” he was saying to nobody in particular. “God I wish I had popcorn for this…”

Harvey was sitting on the edge of the roof, looking not at the pandemonium of the 81st Annual Villain Ball, but out at the lights of the city. It really was beautiful, especially on a night like tonight. The full moon shone brightly down and the city was a landscape of black and neon and silver. 

Bruce ended the call with Commissioner Gordon and walked over to sit down beside him. He was still dressed as the Red Hood, but he removed the muzzle and set it beside him. 

“GCPD is on their way. They’ll barricade the place so nobody can get in or out until things have cleared. So we’ve got a few minutes before we need to go,” he said.

Harvey just nodded. “You’re going to let me walk away from this, then?”

“I made a deal with you. I’d be a bad date if I went back on my word now.” He reached into his pocket and felt to make sure that the box was still there. He removed it from his pocket and flicked it open. Sure enough, the ring was inside, complete with the gold kryptonite setting. He closed it with a click and a sigh.

“Was it worth it?” Harvey watched him shove the box back in his pocket.

“Yeah, it was. Worth it to keep a weapon out of the hands of bad men.”

“It’s not a weapon that they could use against you. You’re not Kryptonian.”

“It’s a weapon they could use against my friend. That’s bad enough.” 

Harvey looked at him out of the corner of his good eye. “Seems like a lot of effort to go through for a friend.”

Bruce was quiet for a long moment. “It’s a friend who’s worth it.” He glanced at Harvey. “What was so funny? In the stairwell.”

“Oh, that.” Harvey leaned back and gazed up at the sky. “Well, when I’d bribed Harley and Ivy to do that, I didn’t think it was going to be quite so big.”

“You _bribed_ them to create that distraction? That was your idea?” Bruce was impressed despite himself.

“Oh no, not exactly. I’d bribed Ivy ahead of time to release sex pollen while we were there. I just realized when you needed a distraction that that would work.”

“You… _what_ ?” Bruce turned and stared at Harvey full in the face. “Even before we arrived… before we ran into Red Hood… before we had the plan? You had known that there would be sex pollen? You had _arranged_ for it?”

Harvey nodded, as though this was a perfectly normal thing to have done. 

Bruce frowned. ”Why did you do that?”

“Because I wanted you back. And I didn’t think you would want to be with me otherwise.” Harvey’s voice went unexpectedly soft. Vulnerable, even. “I’ve… missed you. A lot. And when you asked me to do this for you, it felt… good. Like old times. Like there was a chance we could be something again. I wanted you to like me again. I wanted you to want me again. Even if just for a night.”

Bruce stared at him, mouth open in shock. Feelings battered against the inside of his head in rapid succession - anger, shock, betrayal, and, to his own surprise, a flash of understanding. And, above it all, pity.

He closed his eyes for a long moment, until he was certain he could hide the hurt in them. He licked his lips and exhaled.

“Harvey…”

Harvey put up his hands and shook his head. “I know. I know it was wrong. Believe me, Bruce, I do still know the difference even though I’m insane. But I flipped the coin on it. The coin said to do it, and that was that.” He looked at Bruce for a long moment. “I know I’m insane, Bruce. You shouldn’t forget it either.”

“I am sorry, Harvey. I’m sorry for everything that happened before.” Bruce spoke, and he realized that he sounded tired. He realized he _felt_ tired. And sad. “But you got me out before I could breathe it. You changed your mind. What happened?”

“Flipped the coin again while you and the kid were changing. It didn’t feel right now that he was involved.”

They fell silent for a moment. Bruce chewed on the inside of his cheek, trying to process all of that.

“Wait, wouldn’t the sex pollen have affected you too? And what about Jason? If the coin had landed differently, you would have just let all three of us be affected?” He demanded, turning to Harvey again.

Harvey shook his head. “Nah. The bribe to Ivy was for the sex pollen and for the antidote so that I wouldn’t be affected too. Obviously. I took a dose before the party, so it wouldn’t have affected me either way.”

“What about Jason? You were okay with letting my kid get sex pollen’d and felt up by a bunch of psychopaths and criminals?” Bruce’s voice raised. He paused, remembering Jason and Black Mask. “For a _second time_?!”

“Um excuse me. Making out with Black Mask was consensual and my decision, so nobody can say shit about that. _Especially_ not you, _Sugar_. And don’t think I don’t know about you and Selina too.” Jason had turned around and was eyeballing them. Bruce made a face - he hadn’t realized Jason could hear the whole conversation.

“Not to mention, I bet that mask was designed to filter out airborne intoxicants, including sex pollen, “ remarked Harvey.

“Damn right it is. That was literally the first thing in my mind when I designed it. So I would have been fine. Freaked out, but fine.” Jason stood. “I’m out of here before the cops show up. Thanks for the fun night, Uncle Harvey. Nothing but respect to a guy who can arrange to have a whole ballroom full of badies roofied to try to get in his ex’s pants.”

Harvey chuckled and Bruce glared at him.

“And Bruce? Keep the suit. You need more class in your wardrobe.”

Bruce turned around to really yell at Jason, but he had already vanished. So had the muzzle at his side. Bruce blinked once into the dark and sighed.

“He really does remind me so much of how you used to be,” said Harvey. “It’s almost uncanny.”

“I’m still not sure if that’s a compliment or not.”

Harvey smiled. “It is. A big one.”

Bruce smiled a little. He reached for Harvey’s hand, squeezed once, and let go. 

“We should go too. Too much to explain already without being caught up here like this,” he said.

Harvey stood and pulled Bruce to his feet too. Their eyes met. 

“The next time we meet on a roof in the moonlight, I’ll be trying to kill you. And you’ll be trying to lock me up,” said Harvey.

Bruce nodded. There was sadness in his blue eyes, and regret. More regret than one man should ever be able to carry.  
  
“That’s the way it has to be now. I wish it wasn’t.”

“So do I.” Harvey paused and looked away. “...Remember me how I was, okay? Before… this. The way I was when you loved me.”

“I will, Harvey. I always do.” 

There was the gentlest of touches on the right side of his face, the good side. When Harvey looked back, Bruce had vanished and he was alone in the night yet again.

“Well.” Harvey couldn’t help but shake his head in wry, sad amusement. “I guess it’s true what they say. The more things change, the more they stay the same.”

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was pure id. I basically started writing it and then threw in every ridiculous thing that delighted me as I thought of it along the way: Banter, heists, identity swapping, clothes swapping, Bruce and Jason being too similar for their own good, Harvey and Bruce having been in a relationship, Black Mask/Red Hood, Bruce Wayne having to call Black Mask "Daddy"... The list goes on.
> 
> If you can't occasionally write a fanfic to amuse yourself, what is the point?
> 
> That said, I hope y'all enjoyed this particular brand of silliness too!


End file.
